When?

Don't know if I've ever told you, but I miss home.... Soon. Hopefully, soon. It isn't about nostalgia. Its about the beauty and all of the amazing things you experience when you are there. Where I live now is an amazing place- I'm considering settling down here because of simplicity and the small hometown feel. 

That's the total opposite of where I'm from- its lively- there is always something to do - lights, cameras- ACTIVITY!! It all happens- AT ONCE! EVERY SINGLE DAY! Call it my old age, but its great to sit on my porch sometimes and just be. If you look back at a post entry I made a couple years ago, I talked about places that I live and where I like to sit and stare. My porch in NC is a great place to just do that. 

But then I have moments like this where I just want to see a sunset, feel ocean spray, jaunt downtown, eat real Mexican food, surf in the morning to start my day, or stand in my parent's front yard and see the coast and a priceless view of Los Angeles.

"Because This Is Where All the Positive Change Happened"

On Thursday my friend Sonya came over. We talked about why moving from NC wil be so hard.

"This is where your life changed for the better. You were loved and supported by so many. You were a good father and a good man- everything came together for you here."

There is merit to what Sonya said; I had no idea how I was going to get everything in order when the plane touched down on June 20th 2012. I was scared, I was nervous, I had no idea how things were going to start.

18 months later- things aren't perfect, but if I were to ask the girls how it went- they wouldn't change it for the world.

Falling and Getting Up

this time.. its my fault....

I cannot believe it has been about 18 months since the girls joined me here in North Carolina. This past weekend, I looked back and thought about something significant- significant because it’s linked to a failed relationship and the relationship failed because of me. Was the relationship healthy? No. Without getting into it, it was off and on constantly; I had several moments of feeling inadequate and I lied to find my way through it. I lied multiple times and it blew up in my face. We were both hurt, I lost friends because of it, and I think in the last month it has affected the girls.

We had pretty healthy support network- friends, families willing to help, her mother and sister cared and offered assistance.  Things were good- it was everything I wanted to start out with the girls after their horrific time in Utah. Because of the back and forth in the relationship and choices I made, the girls and I have to depend on each other and our Nanny who has been a constant in our lives.

This is not ideal, but things have come full circle- we came here without a support network. We didn’t have friends, we had to depend on each other, and Devan is the only person I really had to lean on. 18 months later we’ve arrived again and all four of us are accountable to each other. Prayers and songs are sung by me when its time to go to bed. Our home is empty at times, but I’ve found myself rediscovering how to be a dad again on my own. I’ve learned that they depend on me and only me and it will be that way for the time being.

So how do you start over again and make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes and you protect those who are important? I guess you just do and realize that this kind of thing was going to happen; single dad or not. How I recover will be the defining cornerstone in all of this.

Changes

As of two weeks ago, I'll be a professor at Brigham Young University in the summer.

One of 5 black guys.... Interesting....

Appels and Oranjes (Correct spelling, if you're Dutch)

Choices.....

What if the sun refused to shine?
What if the clouds refused to rain?
What if the wind refused to blow?
What if the seas refused to wave?
What if the world refused its turn?
What if the stars would hesitate?

What if what is isn't true?
What are you going to do?
What if what is isn't you?
Does that mean you've got to lose?
Digging for the feel of something new

What if the silence let you dream?
What if the air could let you breathe?
What if the words would bring you here?
What if this sound could bring you peace?

What if what is isn't true?
What are you going to do?
Digging for the feel of something new
What if what is isn't you?
Does that mean you've got to lose?

It came from your thoughts, your dreams and visions
Ripped up from your weeks and indecisions

What if the sun refused to shine?
What if the clouds refused to rain?
What if the world refused to turn?
What if the clocks would hesitate?

What if what is isn't true?
What are you going to do?
What if what is isn't you?
Does that mean you've got to lose?
Digging for the feel of something new

Does that mean you've got to choose
The feel of something new?
Does that mean you've got to lose
The thoughts you cannot lose?
What are you going to do?

Ankles and Man-Boobs

On April 13th I played my last lacrosse game for the spring season- I fractured my ankle and haven't worked out like I’m used to since then. 

There are half hearted workouts where I cant run so I row, bike, and use the pussy elliptical  to try and stay in shape. At the end of the day, I’m not the same. 

My biggest fear has always been weight gain and the onset of man boobs. I hope that I can recover sooner vice later....

Coming

Been away for a bit. More in my head than I have one to get out. Thanks for the emails and encouragement from you all...