Monday, December 2, 2013

Falling and Getting Up

this time.. its my fault....

I cannot believe it has been about 18 months since the girls joined me here in North Carolina. This past weekend, I looked back and thought about something significant- significant because it’s linked to a failed relationship and the relationship failed because of me. Was the relationship healthy? No. Without getting into it, it was off and on constantly; I had several moments of feeling inadequate and I lied to find my way through it. I lied multiple times and it blew up in my face. We were both hurt, I lost friends because of it, and I think in the last month it has affected the girls.

We had pretty healthy support network- friends, families willing to help, her mother and sister cared and offered assistance.  Things were good- it was everything I wanted to start out with the girls after their horrific time in Utah. Because of the back and forth in the relationship and choices I made, the girls and I have to depend on each other and our Nanny who has been a constant in our lives.

This is not ideal, but things have come full circle- we came here without a support network. We didn’t have friends, we had to depend on each other, and Devan is the only person I really had to lean on. 18 months later we’ve arrived again and all four of us are accountable to each other. Prayers and songs are sung by me when its time to go to bed. Our home is empty at times, but I’ve found myself rediscovering how to be a dad again on my own. I’ve learned that they depend on me and only me and it will be that way for the time being.

So how do you start over again and make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes and you protect those who are important? I guess you just do and realize that this kind of thing was going to happen; single dad or not. How I recover will be the defining cornerstone in all of this.

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