"Because This Is Where All the Positive Change Happened"

On Thursday my friend Sonya came over. We talked about why moving from NC wil be so hard.

"This is where your life changed for the better. You were loved and supported by so many. You were a good father and a good man- everything came together for you here."

There is merit to what Sonya said; I had no idea how I was going to get everything in order when the plane touched down on June 20th 2012. I was scared, I was nervous, I had no idea how things were going to start.

18 months later- things aren't perfect, but if I were to ask the girls how it went- they wouldn't change it for the world.

Falling and Getting Up

this time.. its my fault....

I cannot believe it has been about 18 months since the girls joined me here in North Carolina. This past weekend, I looked back and thought about something significant- significant because it’s linked to a failed relationship and the relationship failed because of me. Was the relationship healthy? No. Without getting into it, it was off and on constantly; I had several moments of feeling inadequate and I lied to find my way through it. I lied multiple times and it blew up in my face. We were both hurt, I lost friends because of it, and I think in the last month it has affected the girls.

We had pretty healthy support network- friends, families willing to help, her mother and sister cared and offered assistance.  Things were good- it was everything I wanted to start out with the girls after their horrific time in Utah. Because of the back and forth in the relationship and choices I made, the girls and I have to depend on each other and our Nanny who has been a constant in our lives.

This is not ideal, but things have come full circle- we came here without a support network. We didn’t have friends, we had to depend on each other, and Devan is the only person I really had to lean on. 18 months later we’ve arrived again and all four of us are accountable to each other. Prayers and songs are sung by me when its time to go to bed. Our home is empty at times, but I’ve found myself rediscovering how to be a dad again on my own. I’ve learned that they depend on me and only me and it will be that way for the time being.

So how do you start over again and make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes and you protect those who are important? I guess you just do and realize that this kind of thing was going to happen; single dad or not. How I recover will be the defining cornerstone in all of this.

Changes

As of two weeks ago, I'll be a professor at Brigham Young University in the summer.

One of 5 black guys.... Interesting....

Appels and Oranjes (Correct spelling, if you're Dutch)

Choices.....

What if the sun refused to shine?
What if the clouds refused to rain?
What if the wind refused to blow?
What if the seas refused to wave?
What if the world refused its turn?
What if the stars would hesitate?

What if what is isn't true?
What are you going to do?
What if what is isn't you?
Does that mean you've got to lose?
Digging for the feel of something new

What if the silence let you dream?
What if the air could let you breathe?
What if the words would bring you here?
What if this sound could bring you peace?

What if what is isn't true?
What are you going to do?
Digging for the feel of something new
What if what is isn't you?
Does that mean you've got to lose?

It came from your thoughts, your dreams and visions
Ripped up from your weeks and indecisions

What if the sun refused to shine?
What if the clouds refused to rain?
What if the world refused to turn?
What if the clocks would hesitate?

What if what is isn't true?
What are you going to do?
What if what is isn't you?
Does that mean you've got to lose?
Digging for the feel of something new

Does that mean you've got to choose
The feel of something new?
Does that mean you've got to lose
The thoughts you cannot lose?
What are you going to do?

Ankles and Man-Boobs

On April 13th I played my last lacrosse game for the spring season- I fractured my ankle and haven't worked out like I’m used to since then. 

There are half hearted workouts where I cant run so I row, bike, and use the pussy elliptical  to try and stay in shape. At the end of the day, I’m not the same. 

My biggest fear has always been weight gain and the onset of man boobs. I hope that I can recover sooner vice later....

Coming

Been away for a bit. More in my head than I have one to get out. Thanks for the emails and encouragement from you all...

Over the Shoulder (The left one this time!!)

Honestly, this has been the best 7 months of my life.....
The girls came to me from some pretty awful circumstances and we are in month 7 of Team Mofu Version 2.0. This shot of us at Justin Bieber last month shows not happiness but pure JOY on the face I my two brides. I don't know if I give them everything they want and need, but I'm trying hard.
It's been interesting to be alone. I've been able to look at my objectively and see if and where I need to make changes to myself. I realize that I do and hope that I can make the changes I need. What scares me the most at starting over with changes circumstances in the home is being penalized for being 37 and for having two children. Who in their right mind will want that? Sometime soon I will have to realize that this can and will be a constraint if and when I pursue relationships. This isn't a bad thing, this means that I'm look inward and constantly developing- I'm no longer in stasis.
Professionally, I've learned that I'm ok retiring out of here and contributing to local and state government. If the Public Policy stuff works out, then I'll move to DC. But I'm looking at retiring in 5 years and it feels pretty nice.

Nite- originally posted in February...

I want to retire out if here, but The Lord has something new for us in Provo this fall. Leaving here is going to be hard; the memories, friends, and relationship I made here were incredible to learn and grow from. I do not want the day we leave on a train to come quickly. It's going to be a painful day.

sightings

This is a stop I couldn't help making when running to run stadium steps at Harvard or go for a run to MIT. The night time was the best because it reminded me of home... Yes, Boston isn't Los Angeles, but this is the closest thing I had to the jewelry box view I have of the Los Angeles from my father's home.

I'd often stop when interval training or simple getting oxygen into the lungs while the cars on the bridge bumped over the decades worth of concrete and steel.

Below your feet are rail road tracks, and below the tracks is water where crews from rowing clubs cut gently through the water. At times planes pass over head. Its been rumored that this is one of a few places in the world where a train, plane, automobile, and boat will intersect each other. Random, but interesting factoid.

I miss Boston, its been more than a decade and I need to get back.

Postrate

Since I've been a kid, I've always been told that prayers are the way to solve things in life. This morning I prayed on my knees by myself and with earnest- all is well. All is well.

A Change In Me

I've always been a big fan of "ripping the band-aid off" to end things and  move on.

Can't seem to do it this time around.

Solace

Off to Raleigh today for a Church event.
Lots to think about.
Plenty of decisions to make.

Building

Post Crossfit Games, I asked the girls if they would be interested in working out at Crossfit Kids in town. It was a silly question since R was running around and doing push-ups like the ladies who were on TV. They obliged and have been working on their functional fitness ever since.

I’m hoping that I didn't push them into anything- my goal isn't necessarily to make sure they are stud athletes. The goal is to see life patters- life will be hard but you can work through it, finish everything you start, and you can do things that you never thought were possible. 

My fear is that I potentially could be raising women whose goal in life is to marry a man and not continue to grow. They need to have their own traits and be there own person before they go to the altar with their eternal companion. Hopefully with the small things that I introduce them to, they’ll be the well rounded women they need to be.